Balding men: Unite to defeat Kerry's coif of pomposity!

In June of 2003, when John Kerry was running third in the polls and facing an uphill battle in his quest to be the presidential nominee for the Democrats, I wrote a column titled "John's hair will Kerry the day." It was a light-hearted look at how the candidate with the best hair always seems to get the nomination. Now, Kerry's rubbing in the fact that he thinks he has the best hair, and it's time for the follicly challenged to fight back. The gloves are off ... along with our hair. Balding men of America: Unite to defeat John Kerry!

After announcing that his running mate would be John Edwards, who also has fairly thick hair – the way it lays and how it's parted loosely resembling how Janet Reno's used to look on a good day, except two feet lower – Kerry joked at a rally that "we have better hair."

It's time for the balding to fight back.

Those of us whose dome reflection can be seen from weather satellites are proud of the fact that we've only had to spend $8 on shampoo since the Carter administration, and can effectively and quickly comb our hair with a shrimp fork: Unite to defeat John Kerry!

Those of us who realize that baldness knows no barriers of race, religion or economic level – making it the ultimate in "fairness" for which Kerry-Edwards say they strive, then mock by bragging about their full heads of hair: Unite to defeat John Kerry!

Those who have tried to "keep up with the Joneses" (or Kerrys and Edwards in this case) and grew a comb-over, only to end up reeling in embarrassment after the long strips of hair were swept away by a stiff breeze – making their head look like a Cessna aircraft towing a "Ticket stub gets you half off cover charge at Frankie's" sign over a football stadium: Unite to defeat John Kerry!

Those of us who refuse to wear a toupee to gain faux acceptance from the superficial: Unite to defeat John Kerry!

There used to be only two reasons why bald men should never wear toupees: "Burt" and "Reynolds." Now there is a third reason: John Kerry. Don't let him mock you into covering your empty scalp with a hunk of Scotch-Guarded deep-pile shag posing as hair. There is no potential upside to wearing a toupee, and there are no good celebrity endorsers for toupees. Sam Donaldson looks like he has a dark flounder napping on his cranium, and every time I see William Shatner, I can only think that somebody somewhere is missing a toilet seat cover.

Unite to defeat Kerry for your bald brother, Dick Cheney, who, despite getting out of bed one morning and noticing that his hair didn't, has still made it to the level of vice president of the United States. The bald guy "glass ceiling" – or "chrome dome," in this case – is almost broken through. We can't stop now! John Kerry and the "good hair"-left try to discredit Cheney, saying that he and Halliburton are reaping a fortune from war, but it's really just an ivory tower hair thing. Besides, if there were so much money in war, Kerry would have proposed to it decades ago.

Times are tough for the balding: Some say Cheney should be replaced, Shaq didn't win a championship, and Ken Lay is on his way to prison, hoping his surname doesn't suddenly become a verb.

All the while, John Kerry's there, rubbing in a healthy dose of Ivy League snobbery and hobnobbing with fully haired, liberal celebrities, too busy for even an intelligence briefing. Unless someone from al-Qaida is a millionaire Tinseltown campaign donor, or can skillfully apply Sebastian Laminates conditioner (with protein emollients), Kerry's too busy to bother with them.

To those of you who have lost – or are in the process of losing – your hair, join us now! It's not too late. If you're a Kerry supporter, perhaps you subscribe to the "zero-sum game" theory of economics: If one person makes a buck, somewhere, another person loses a buck. If you really believe that to be the case, then look at it this way – Kerry and Edwards are hogging all the hair. Don't become another victim of the follicle greed. Join us, and unite to defeat John Kerry!

This election year, the stakes are high for those who are proud of their bald heritage, and America in general. Show politicians that the presupposition of "best hair wins" is bogus. This will get Kerry's Pantene in a wad, but, in the process, we'll make him realize why the symbol of America is the bald eagle, not a turkey with a pompadour.


Editor's Note: We found this Lampoon on a political website. The author of the Lampoon goes by Dandi.

As a Folliculary-Challenged American, I resent Monsieur Kerry's gross insensitivity to my plight. It smacks of blatant hairism. I demand that my group be recognized under the ADA, and that the purveyors of bald jokes be prosecuted under hate crimes statutes. I further demand that funds be set aside for visits to Hair Club of America, or at least government-provided vouchers for a supply of Hair-In-A-Can.


cc:Ed Asner
Rob Reiner
James Carville